Friday, November 10, 2006

What are the right words?

I have a an issue that is taking up space in my head. It has been doing so for a while. It is not a pretty one, and it may be the saddest post I have ever done.

I have been trying to post about this for three days, and it is too damn hard. I have made it clear that I am not a fan of members of my family, but where does the line between stubborn and asshole come in. Throw in a bit of compassion and there I am.

I went to Buds favorite restaurant to pick up 4 pieces of chocolate cake last night. The purpose of this cake is to console 2 members of my family and for these two, chocolate cake is the best. I did not get charged for the cake which was a very nice gesture. Upon getting to my destination last night I walked in and gave her the chocolate cake. A piece for yesterday and a piece for today. I gave her a hug and said I am so sorry. The baby stopped growing at 7 weeks and she is 13 weeks along. How do you say it's going to be ok? Right now it is not ok. It will not be ok until after this baby has decided to leave there body in its most painful way. It fucking sux. The two other children are healthy and that is good, but it is hard to loose one. I will never have another child, so my ability to relate is very slim. I relate to the ability of not having anymore, but not loosing one.

I know this happened for a reason, and all of the "passages" are said for a reason, but they do not help at this time. I am so sorry, and sad. This baby will never know what I great aunt I am. They will try again I am sure. Does that sound selfish?

It seems horrible to say this, but enjoy life and what it has to offer.

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