Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Curiosity

A long time ago I was emotionally hurt by one person and scared both physically & emotionally by another all in the same year. 1990 was the worst year in the world for me. I don't mean my best friend slept with my boyfriend, or the jackass broke my arm before I got smart and dumped him kind of hurt. It goes a lot deeper than that. One of those people has resurfaced. Not that they are looking for me, but in my conversations this persons name came up and I choked on my spit. No, really I did. If I had liquid in my mouth it would have gone flying. Apparently the shocked look on my face opened up the window for a series of questions, and the person asked do you really know "x"? What could I say. I am not a liar. I said "yes, and it was a long time ago". "Really I'd call it two life times ago". I guess from what I am told "x" lives close by and has a good life. I did not get in to former names and how I know x. All I said was just that it was a long time ago. I am glad for x to have a good life, I have a good life. Correction I have a great life. I have no complaints. No regrets (is stupidity a reason for regret?). Anyways.....for far too long this has been eating at me ( a few hours). Curiosity is dangerous. There are several dimensions to this. Do I say "hey I haven't seen x in ages, we should get together" Do I want to know how x is doing? Do I care? Do I wish "x" was remorseful? yes and no. Has this impacted how I live my life and how I treat others absolutely. For the past 16 years this had had an impact. If I were to see x I would want the biggest apology in the free world? Would I would want x to say that this has been bothersome for 16 years? yes. Would it happen? probably not. Is there anything that x could say or do to change my current life? Not a chance in hell. It is possible that x will cross paths with me in the near future probably. Believe it or not my son may need to cross paths with x. Would he know him? no. Would he remember me? not based on looks, but yes x would remember. Do I think that we could be friends? not sure. Do I want to? not sure. Do I think that this is over? no. Do I want it to go anyfurther? no, not under the current circumstances. Do I secretly wish x was am emotional wreck? unable to get on with life because of the actions taken? Sure, but life is not a soap opera. So as I sit here reliving all of those emotions, and the scars start reappearing as if it were yesterday I am curious, and we all know what curiosity did to the cat. Right?

enjoy life

1 comment:

snarx said...

Oh, wow, can I sympathize with THAT. I learned my lessons and took my lumps and have moved on, but I still wonder. But you're a much better person than me...I want my "X" to be repeatedly run over by a fleet of tricycles with studded tires.